Some days are gone before we know it and for some reason, those are always the very best days. I try to remind myself that they are the good days. They are the days I want to remember forever. They are the days like yesterday, when we ventured to the local river spot, searching all day long to see the fish swimming below the water. The air was sweet and thick with everything that is summertime. We searched for the perfect small, flat rock to throw, in an attempt to have it skip along the glassy water top. Once, twice, three times. Maybe four.
Let's be honest. I'm terrible at that, but your dad, it's one of his many skills. I think we both watch him with the same admiration sometimes. But you and me, we kept trying and we kept laughing and we kept breathing that sweet summer air.
And then there are moments. Moments when you extend your soft, beautiful arms to give me a hug. Moments when you demand a kiss. You get the giggles or you crack a joke and moments when you say something delightful, and your words reach into my chest and grab my heart and I can feel the squeeze. Or when you drift off to sleep in my arms, but before dreamland greets you, you grab my arm and carry it over your body for a big time snuggle. Those are moments, and before they are so far in the distance, I turn to your dad to bookmark the moment, asking him to never, ever let me forget it.
I look at you, and you're enjoying everything in the truest sense. And it hits me.
You won't remember any of this.
When you're older, we'll tell you stories of these delicious times, and you'll look at us with your eyes wide, and shrug your shoulders because you were so little then and your brain was working so hard on mastering things other than memories. And I'm going to be honest. Knowing that hurts a little. These times are the best times of my life.
And then I think about the times I've been so ragged I can't function. The times where I feel frustrated and feel ugly. I think about the times that I messed up, made a mistake, and probably disappointed someone. Not all the times have been beautiful. Sometimes, the times have been super hard and I'm not sure I want you to remember them. It took a long time for me to find my footing in this new role and that time felt a grown-up kind of messy. Maybe it's a gift from the universe that you don't.
But maybe, you will remember parts of all of it. Maybe you might not be able to recall these times in conversation but they'll be ingrained in who you become. You'll remember the warm fuzzies and the love and the time we spent that connected us so strongly. And maybe it's okay if you remember seeing me struggle too. Because each time I struggled (and I know there are so many more struggles to come), I won. I overcame. I survived.
And those are the things that we need to remember together - that no matter what, we love ferociously hard and we are strong.