Killin' it with confidence.

Growing up, a young girl living in rural Oregon, I was taught to be nice.

Nice.

I also learned somehow, somewhere that pretty had value. There’s a bunch of places that came from - TV, music, magazines, the movies. I don’t know anyone who didn’t want to be Kelly Kapawski dating Zach Morris (Saved by the Bell, anyone?) in real life. So this young girl growing up in rural Oregon probably had a similar experience to young girls growing up all over - you better be nice and do your darnedest to be pretty.

I would run out of fingers and toes counting the number of times a man has told me to smile.

And I certainly couldn’t keep track of the number of outfit changes and hair re-dos and using makeup as a shield day after day as I got older to try to fill up my confidence cup. So when Elsie got home from school one day with a smile on her face and a story to tell, holy guacamole, it made me smile for real.

“Mom, I made Greyson laugh at school today!”

I immediately think back to seven-year-old me and can’t remember talking to a boy, and especially not being funny around one. I would have been nice, sure. But I was busy playing games with my girlfriends under the big cedar trees on the playground. Curious, I asked how she made the boy giggle. She proceeded to stick out her tongue, roll her eyeballs to the back of her head, contort her button nose which created the most hilarious and special and out-of-this-world silly face.

“I did this!”

I laughed and laughed and goodness, my heart swelled because first of all, it was super funny but most of all, this girl has confidence overflowing.

And then I remembered the old saying - kill them with kindness and I can’t even tell you how wrong that is. Because what does it really mean? Are we telling our little girls to stay small and to take a backseat and to the boys and to smile when they tell us to? Or are we telling our little girls to stand tall and be themselves and to hold their ground and prioritize themselves over all of that other noise? And let’s be honest, that noise is LOUD. What we should be doing is approaching every interaction and every moment with a not-too-gentle of a swap of words - that kindness with confidence. That’s going to fill our cups, confidence and belief in ourselves being genuine and good over all things nice and pretty.

She then showed me another silly face and another silly face and then another and another.

I don’t know about you, but to me, being yourself and being genuine and being confident in all that you are and that you have to give the world - that’s where it’s at.

XO

How talking about fear will bring you back to gratitude

I’m scared.

It was way past bedtime on a pretty important Thursday night. I was laying in bed with Elsie and we were talking about the day, the week and all of the things that transpired over that period of time. We usually talk about funny things that happened at school or what we want to have for breakfast or what book to read in the morning. But, it wasn’t a regular week and in our heart of hearts, we sure wish that it was.

In the soft bedtime whisper that only a four-year-old could manage, she whispered it again.

I’m scared, mama.

But that is one of the funny things about fear - it hits you when you just aren't ready to be hit, it swallows you whole when it’s just not the right time. It comes out of nowhere, or sometimes in the middle of a bedtime story. Fear is brought to the surface while you find yourself sinking. Deeper and deeper, fear is something that you can taste. And it’s sour and bitter and stays in your mouth for just a moment too long.

And when your four-year-old feels fearful, well, you feel a little helpless because those feelings don’t just go away with a standard It’s going to be okay.

Earlier in the week, my husband’s dad had a series of small heart-attacks. Two were right in front of all of us, and let me tell you - they’re not always like how we see them in the movies. No grasping of the chest, no falling to the knees. Just quiet, slow, pain. Sweating. Nausea. And people, if this happens to someone you love, get them to the ER. Fast forward a few days and we found ourselves walking him through a quadruple bypass, and happy to be part of a team helping him after the surgery.

Anyway, a series of additional unfortunate events during this process gave Elsie eyes into the soul of a late-night emergency room, seeing first-hand her grandpa be no-bones-about-it sick, and waiting patiently yet observantly in the wings while her family figured things out. Her eyes wide, her heart open and her energy so young.

So yeah, on Thursday night we found ourselves cuddled under the weight of her down comforter, and she was scared. She told me so, but she didn’t have to because I already knew.

As she talked and talked about her feelings, I listened intently and tried to find the right words to ease her mind. I struggled.

It was scary.

I was scared too.

And so I told her so. I told her everything that had happened within that last week was scary and it was okay to feel those feelings and feel them hard and deep and wide. I told her things were better now. I told her we had a plan. I told her though, that I was scared and the things she saw by accident were scary and I felt that way too.

In that moment, nightlight dancing across our faces, I realized how darn important it is to be honest with these feelings we feel, with ourselves and with others. We broke it down - what being scared meant, what it felt like, and what exactly were we scared of. We planned what we were going to do the next day to face our fears. Talking it through made us feel a little better, but then so naturally, so easy, we quickly began talking about things we were thankful for.

That list was way longer that the scared list.

Way longer.

And we fell to sleep that night wrapped in truth that the things we are grateful for are stronger and larger and heavier, yet so much lighter in so many ways, than the things that give us fear.

That’s the power move. When fear creeps in, refocus on thankfulness and not just thankfulness but good old honest gratitude.

Things won’t stop being scary. Scary things will keep coming, sometimes at a pace that feels wild and unmanageable. But let’s keep talking about them. Let’s be honest about them. Nobody is a hero when fear wins. So let’s keep breaking fear down and building up the moments for gratitude.

This world is thick with those moments.

XO