Revisiting who I used to be.
On a random rainy Sunday morning, I find myself sitting here, in a well-worn pair of boyfriend jeans and a cozy red flannel, hands cupped around a now luke-warm soy latte. The little one is a year old, and she's flashing me cheezy, toothy smiles as she toddles around her farm-scene play mat. She's making elephant sounds. I'm laughing as I say words that don't do anything other than fill the silence. Roscoe has taken up his residency on the sofa. The rain pounds the metal roof above me. The fire is howling. I am breathing it all in, and loving it all out.
Things have changed a lot this year. And things have changed a whole lot from the year before that, and the year before that. I have changed. I have learned. I have celebrated and I have mourned. A lot has changed.
Lancaster Land has changed, as we are nearing the end of our Phase One Overhaul. We've added square footage, spent a lot of money, but began creating the home we want.
I have changed too. I'm someone's mom now. Someone cries for me at 2 a.m., and reaches for me with tiny arms, outstretched as far as they can go. Someone recognizes me by my scent as I pass her crib, and that wakes her. I am a part of someone else, forever. I can't stay up late anymore. I have to get up early every day. I never sleep in. I am always planning. I spend too much time on Amazon because it's just easier. Packages come and I'm so sleep deprived I don't remember ordering what's inside. I don't know what movies are playing or what season of The Blacklist I stopped watching so I don't know where to start back up. So I don't. I drink two IPAs and I really feel it. Yes, I've changed.
The real kicker is that I love who I am now. It has taken thirty two years to become me, after all.
We do have to remember to revisit that person that we used to be sometimes. We have to pay tribute to our old selves. We have to dust off those cute wedge heels in the back of the closet and dig out our favorite dangly earrings. Trade in the flannel for a shirt that flatters, I tell myself. Go on a date with my husband, I remind myself. We have to see our friends for girls nights, and share a bottle of wine, or two, with our favorite people. We have to sing loud in the car to an Eminem rap song pretending we remember all the words and we have to respect that we came from a place that was sometimes wild, often insecure and always honest.
We can revisit that person we used to be, and we should because it's fun. And then we go back to our lives that have changed so much, where being up at 2 a.m. isn't because we closed down the dive bar in town, but because someone is hungry or sick or just needs you. And that's okay.
Lancaster Land has changed, as we are nearing the end of our Phase One Overhaul. We've added square footage, spent a lot of money, but began creating the home we want.
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| The Family |
The real kicker is that I love who I am now. It has taken thirty two years to become me, after all.
We do have to remember to revisit that person that we used to be sometimes. We have to pay tribute to our old selves. We have to dust off those cute wedge heels in the back of the closet and dig out our favorite dangly earrings. Trade in the flannel for a shirt that flatters, I tell myself. Go on a date with my husband, I remind myself. We have to see our friends for girls nights, and share a bottle of wine, or two, with our favorite people. We have to sing loud in the car to an Eminem rap song pretending we remember all the words and we have to respect that we came from a place that was sometimes wild, often insecure and always honest.
We can revisit that person we used to be, and we should because it's fun. And then we go back to our lives that have changed so much, where being up at 2 a.m. isn't because we closed down the dive bar in town, but because someone is hungry or sick or just needs you. And that's okay.